On and off since March I’ve been writing “morning pages” – a few pages written stream-of-consciousness, first thing in the morning. It has been a very therapeutic and informative practice but, more recently, it also had the effect of killing my drive to write for this blog.

I’ve been pondering my blog and blogs in general, questioning what purpose they might serve. I think that they have the potential to be a powerful source of connection, the kind of connection that can really help people (even if you don’t know them).

In the interest of connection and potentially helping others I’m sharing one of my morning pages from a while back. As soon as I finished it I could feel that it had some power.

I was studying Zen Buddhism at the time and those teachings are present throughout.

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MORNING PAGES:

I woke up recognizing that I need to forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself for loving people who didn’t love me back; for trying to make relationships work. I did that with the best intentions. I am not perfect. Sometimes I was wrong. But that’s okay. It is normal to try and fail. It is normal to regret. But it is not healthy to blame myself for things I could not control – outcomes between two people.

It is vital for our sense of security and safety that we feel in control of our lives and environments. But we live in a world of constant, unpredictable change. Sometimes the control we cling to becomes a delusion. We trick ourselves into feeling good.

But these tricks and delusions only separate us from what we want most – peace, a oneness, not feeling alone.

I’ve attempted to feel in control by blaming myself for the actions of others – “if only I’d done something differently, our relationship would have worked.”

But it was never just “me,” it was “us.” Relationships, like anything else in life, are built with inherent instability. It is more likely to last if the builders work together and stay vigilant for cracks in the foundation or other errors that could cause the whole thing to fall apart.

Releasing myself from blame is strange in that it allows me to feel anger I never felt for my partner and for the injustice and chaos in the world.

I have to find a place for these feelings – recognizing that they are valid. Struggle is part of life. We are not happy all the time. Difficult feelings are natural and we should allow ourselves to have and express them.

Being mad at someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Feeling hurt doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love.

We must try to wear our bad days, not as a badge, but as a patch, one of many on our multi-colored coats. We must honor all facets of life and try to exist within, as a part of the horrible, beautiful chaos that surrounds us; that is us.

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