Since my life drawing classes in college I have always wondered what it would be like to be a model. Baring it all seemed like a powerful way to affirm one’s self. And, as a life-long artist, I have pondered what it is like on the other side…to be the art itself. Back then, I even inquired with one of my professors who immediately talked me out of it by reminding me that I would, effectively, be modeling for my classmates…which could be a little awkward (especially in the small-town, conservative culture my university existed within).

But that curiosity never stopped. And Austin is full of creative-types so I’ve heard about opportunities for figure-drawing session and photography pretty regularly. But I never really pursued anything.

Then, few weeks ago, one of my friends told me about a photographer she modeled for and showed me that photos. They looked great and she had a wonderful experience…so, I contacted the photographer and we started talking.

He had a great portfolio and a specific vision in mind, so I was onboard. We met near a creek on the day of the shoot. I was anxious about meeting him but once he arrived his honest, calm, professional nature instantly relaxed me. We walked down to the water and talked the vision over. We were going to try to recreate the torture/shooting of St Sebastian using suction-cup arrows (a playful take on a dramatic scene). We’d also do some looser shoots in the water. It all sounded great.

Then came the moment when I needed to go bare. At once I felt the fear of being vulnerable to judgement. Let’s make no apologies, this person was going to objectify me – view me as a piece of art (or a tool with which he could make art). Judgment is integral. I think being an artist myself allowed me to see that. The majority of my experience has been on the artist’s side: carefully taking in every part, every angle, every texture, and judging it, and using the judgement to decide upon the most pleasing composition…what is it that I like and want to highlight? What do I dislike and want to hide?

In a flash, that moment was over. I removed my clothes and made a gesture that released all that nervous energy and at once said “this is my body, judge it how you will, this is it.” And that was it.

We immediately set to work attaching three suction-cup arrows to my torso with spirit gum and a lot of patience.

The shoot was a few hours long, in hot weather, and I got pretty messy (covered in dirt and leaves and spirit gum) but I left feeling totally energized and inspired. The whole experience was fun and empowering and I’m surprised at how quickly and easily I was able to get over my anxiety. I’m really happy with the resulting photos and want to do another shoot sometime soon.

I love being an artist but I’m discovering that being a performer can be just as challenging and fun.

Photos by Andrew Stevens.

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