There are times in my life when, magically, everything comes together…wishes are granted, dreams realized, order and beauty revealed. It can last a moment or theme in an entire chapter of my life.
The last time I remember feeling this way was about two years ago, at the beginning of my romance with Yair. Back then I called it “cosmic shit” and I kept a casual log of the forces bringing us together. I was repeatedly amazed by how perfectly things in my life were fitting together. But over time I stopped adding to the log, and eventually deleted it, forgetting about such serendipity.
Until a few weeks ago.
My art group’s meetings are loosely based on a book, “The Artist’s Way,” and we had reached the section on synchronicity.
And it started:
I hadn’t had time to get “The Artist’s Way” from the library, but then my friend Laura found an extra copy and lent it to me. I wouldn’t have had time to read it, but then my mother took me on vacation. A vacation I sorely needed. And while reading through the book I came to some text that hit me:
“If you do one nice thing a day for yourself, God will do two more. Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters. Be open to receiving gifts from odd channels: free tickets, a free trip, an offer to buy you dinner, a new-to-you old couch. Practice saying yes to such help.”
I was on a free trip, received a free ticket to a concert from friends which I’d be attending the day after my return to Austin, had been offered dinner, and had been offered an old couch! It was all already happening. I need only awaken to the power of yes and start owning these cosmic gifts! (If this is sounding too “out there” for you remember that it’s all about awareness and self care…and who couldn’t use more of that?)
From that moment on I’ve started noticing such gifts and connections all around me. And I’ve started saying “yes” a whole lot more. All the hard work I’ve done is paying off and things are falling into place.
Opportunities abound, one need only notice them.
Just as I started to feel the need to do more art and increase my income a friend reached out to me offering a job designing and painting signs for Tears Of Joy, a local hot sauce store.After weeks of working 50+ hours, biking in the cold, and partying too much I was feeling burnt-out. But right as I began to crash my mother rescued me with a vacation in St. Thomas.A perfect place to relax and take stock of my life.Iguanas everywhere!We visited the city and one of the oldest synagogues in the US…with sand floors! The man in the photo was sifting the sand to remove some rogue broken glass after a wedding.Some afternoon fun in Trunk Bay on St. John. Feeling rested and healthy.So many small islands and so much beauty! In many ways, I felt renewed after this trip.Thank you Glenna, for being such a fun and generous travel companion!
The art club I joined occasionally does what’s called an art exchange.
This begins with everyone bringing something with them to a meeting. We draw names out of a hat and your give your “thing” to the person whose name you’ve drawn. That person then creates a new “thing” (a song, painting, story, whatever) based on what they’d received. And the exchange can continue from there as a sort of creative game of telephone – all media are welcome.
I love it when we get to the part of our meeting where we unveil our exchanges…it’s like Christmas morning! Last week we were treated to stories, poems, paintings, a big painted face mask, viola and percussion, and electronic music.
Because this exchange has continued into its fourth turn I decided to document the line of what I’ve dubbed the Ouroboros (an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail): It began as a leather bracelet, became a poem, then a drawing, and I expect this week it will become a song.
ROUND 1 (A Leather Bracelet):
ROUND 2 (Poem by Laura Granfortuna):
What prompts the Ouroboros
To thus consume his tail?
To push his piercing fang
Into his armored scale?
Does he seek completion,
A circle’s perfect poise?
Is he so full of loathing,
That he himself destroys?
Perhaps it is defiance
At God’s unjust design
A premature attrition
Unto the tide of time
Does he begin to waver,
Drunk on his poison blood?
As the heady venom
His veins begins to flood;
Will he continue eating
‘Til he is but a head?
Will he stay there motionless
and withering ’til dead?
Is but this trifling paradox
To make us hesitate?
To lead us to abandon
Fruitless worries for our fate.
Before RVing I had a wonderful job as a graphic designer at The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. I have a degree in and passion for design. Art and design will always be part of my life.
But on the road I chose to focus on writing, photography, painting, weaving, drawing, and dance – other ways of being creative that I hadn’t had time for while working.
When I returned to Austin the natural decision would have been to plunge back into regular office work at a design firm or as an in-house designer. I did apply, and even interviewed a bit, but I found that my approach lacked enthusiasm and I realized I wasn’t ready to return to a desk.
I started considering other professions. Soon my “just in case I don’t land a design job immediately” options became my most exciting and sought-after job options.
I landed at Whole Foods, a company I have always admired, at the flagship store (which I have often hung out in), working at the juice bar.
So far the experience has been tremendous. I love the physicality of the job (combined with my bike commute, it has made me stronger than ever) and the constant interaction with people. I also love that my coworkers are generally happy, idealistic people who try to make the world a better place.
The company is very supportive of its employees and I was immediately asked what future I’d like to have with it…
It didn’t take me long to meet the marketing team and land a couple shifts with them. They taught me how to paint the chalk boards that decorate the store and how to make some holiday displays. It was fun to feel crafty and to get to know new parts of the massive, maze-like store. I will continue to pursue opportunities to use my art and design skills at Whole Foods. And in the meantime I’m picking up some freelance design work and joining an art club.
The veggie wall at the juice bar in Whole Foods. We change the design every day!View on my bike ride to work.My first chalk art reads: “be good to your whole body”The marketing team always delights with crafty, festive holiday decor. …I was transported back to summer camp while making these popsicle stick snowflakes.My free time is quickly filling with various art projects.
I had a bad day recently. Though I’d been feeling a lot of forward momentum in my life I found myself moping around my house, wanting to venture out and work on projects, but finding myself unwilling to. I just stayed in bed. And I kept thinking about my breakup and going over all the worst details and experiences from that relationship. And, to my horror, I found that I was remembering some of those experiences for the first time. As each bad memory piled up I started to become aware of what I was doing…and I asked myself “Is this healthy?” I know that it is good to go over the events of a relationship at its end, in order to learn from them…but this growing list of grievances was too much! But I took pity on myself and let myself wallow for a day, and, amazingly, the results have been very positive.
In spending time with myself, remembering bad experiences, I was able to feel more gratitude for my new single-ness. And in allowing myself to participate in the process of reflection I learned that I have the capacity to “laugh off” or “brush off” or otherwise ignore personal attacks. For example: I avoided a confrontation by responding to an insult with “that’s ridiculous,” and stopped the exchange there when I should have gone a step further to ask “why did you say that?” and talk over the consequences. These were experiences that I should have remembered and should have sought closure for. Though troubling, I am glad to have discovered this tendency because, now that I am aware of it, I will be able to better take care of myself.
Later, that night, I had the most amazing dreams. I saw whales and sea birds, I ran through the forest and swam in the ocean, and I fell in love. When I woke up I could still feel the inner warmth of that love and I smiled and wrapped myself up in bed. Feeling that emotion course through my veins made me remember that I can fall in love again. A clarity and optimism took over my mind and has remained with me – it is as if a fog has been lifted.
In the nights since, I’ve continued having fun, vivid dreams. It is almost as if my subconscious was doing so much work suppressing and juggling those bad experiences that it didn’t have any energy left to imagine, and my dreams suffered. But since I was able to access, process, and release those bad experiences I have regained my own creative energy as well as a sense of peace.
Wonderfully, all of this coincided with the release of the cover article “Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down” in Psychology Today. I’m not a regular reader of the magazine but this article grabbed me. After reading it and having had this experience I’m definitely going to try to stop labeling any emotion “negative,” even if it feels bad.
Catty is a great companion for days spent in bed…it’s his favorite place!My upswing in mood coincided wonderfully with a rise in temperatures. Warm and sunny enough for a hike in January! The trees are bare but, with less greenery in the way, strange mushrooms are visible.
I am curious. When I really like someone, and especially when I enter into a romantic partnership with someone, I soak up who they are. I ask them about their life and experiences and I explore new perspectives through their eyes. I encourage their individual passions and join them in those pursuits. I learn about them. And sometimes I continue learning on my own.
Through Yair I found Judaism. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling myself Jewish. I’ve never been seriously interested in joining an organized religion. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t find religions fascinating – historically, socially, philosophically.
Yair was raised Orthodox, speaks Hebrew, and still practices some rituals at home. The closer we became, the more comfortable I felt asking him about his religious past. And he began including me in some rituals…lighting candles, smelling spices, drinking wine. He showed me how to write our names in Hebrew and cooked us kugels and cholents.
I have wonderful memories of being beside him as he lit a home-made hanukkiah that we named “log-ukiah” (it was, essentially, a log with candle holes), a fire-side Thanksgivukkah, and sipping wine together to celebrate many a Shabbat. And, as we hit the road together, I became the enthusiastic instigator of the kiddush – breaking out the necessary equipment (candles, matches, wine and glasses, and sometimes a jar of cloves) and then positioning myself across from Yair so that I could enjoy his smiling, sing-song prayers and watch the light in his eyes. Such wonderful, peaceful memories will be cherished.
My experience of Judaica could have stopped there and ceased when I moved out of the RV. But I still had curiosities, and I have family ties, and I felt comfort in a growing understanding and desire to delve into a rich history.
So, on my out of the RV I asked Yair if I could borrow a rather large book I had thumbed though: “Jewish Literacy” by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin.
Within my first month back in Austin I had finished the book, taken notes, and done some extra research on the side.
I felt inspired and my perspective transformed many times while reading. I’ve copied some of my notes below and I hope you can find some interesting information or inspiration for yourself in them.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and Judaism…but I expect my curiosity is here to stay.
The log-ukiah in action.Lighting a carefully-constructed, ephemeral, in-fireplace hanukkiah (when the candles burned down they lit the logs) before enjoying our home-made Thanksgiving meal.A brochure with information on Shabbat candle lighting given to me by Yair’s ex-wife (ever a supporter of his religious identity) before she made aliyah (moved to Israel).I was able to introduce Yair to my own traditions, like celebrating Halloween with pumpkin carving. Wonderfully, he was able to integrate his own culture via his choice of imagery (a hamsa)…and he put my carving skills to shame!
“JEWISH LITERACY” NOTES & QUOTES
“God shall be what God shall be to that person. He cannot be adequately described to others.”
“…for most people, faith and doubt exist independently of anything that God does.”
Martin Buber: Every person can find his own way to God so there is no reason to model the behavior of someone else.
Franz Rosenzweig: “Not Yet” – not ready to _ yet. As in someone who does not wear tefillin should be viewed as someone who is not spiritually ready to yet. This perspective unites across denominational lines. Transforms blame or frustration into pity or compassion.
“The classic test of repentance is to see how a person acts when placed in exactly the same circumstances in which he previously sinned.”
“How can you tell when a sin you committed has been pardoned? When you no longer commit the sin.”
“You shall not abhor an Egyptian, for you were a stranger in his land.”
At the Passover Seder a drop of wine is spilled for each of the ten plagues – a symbolic statement of a diminution of joy at the Egyptian’s suffering.
“You shall not take his name in vain” means “you shall not use God as your justification in selfish causes.”
The Sabbath is to be made a holy day – not a resting day.
“He who is merciful when he should be cruel, will in the end be cruel when he should be merciful.”
Rabi Tarfon: “It is not your obligation to complete the work (of perfecting the world); but you are not free to desist from it either.”
The high court of Sanhedrin asked much of its members, including that they have children. “The rabbis believed that the experience of raising children makes a person more sympathetic and humble.”
Rav Kook: “The Second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred within the Jewish community. Perhaps it will be rebuilt through causeless love.”
“Even the transgressors in Israel are full of good deeds as a pomegranate is filled with seeds.”
Anne Frank: “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”
Bernard Baruch: “Every man has a right to his own opinion. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.”
Who says your blood is redder? (It is not okay to murder an innocent to save another’s life).
Reb Aryeh’s love for his wife: “My wife’s feet are hurting us.”
“The gossiper stands in Rome and kills in Syria.”
Israel Salanter: “Normally we worry about our own material well-being and our neighbors souls; let us rather worry about our neighbors material well-being and our own souls.”
One is forbidden to eat before he has fed his animals.
Jews generally do not hunt. Heinrich Heine: “My ancestors did not belong to the hunters so much as the hunted, and the idea of attacking the descendants of those who were our comrades in misery goes against my grain.”
Parents should teach their children self defense via: the Torah, how to earn a living, and how to swim.
Whoever saves a single life, it is as if he saved an entire world. (Because the person saved will likely go on to have children who will have their own children and on and on). Thus, if one person kills another, it is as if a whole world has been lost.
Guests may stay three days: “On the day a guest arrives a calf is slaughtered in his honor; the next day, a sheep, the third day, a fowl, and on the fourth day, he is served just beans.”
“If your wife is short, bend over to hear her whisper.”
God is in a higher plane than anyone giving an evil order – those orders should not be followed. “There is no messenger in the case of sin.”
Louis Brandeis: “The irresistible is often only that which is not resisted.”
It’s been a while since my last post and a lot has changed. I have a new apartment, a new job, new friends. I’ve done so much hard work that I’ve barely had time to do something like write. But that’s not the only reason I stopped posting.
Over the past couple months I’ve started writing many times and on many different subjects. But I could never bring myself to devote the time needed to bring a post to completion.
Over and over again I became heart-sick while writing and began to doubt and challenge the very existence of this blog. I even thought about erasing the whole thing.
I created this blog to capture my RVing adventures with Yair and to share my life and finds with friends and family during times when I knew I would have limited connectivity. Well, now I am settled in Austin and connectivity is not an issue. But, tragically, I’ve had to let go of Yair completely and struggle with the persistent hope that we might remain friends. That incredible loss was not something I would have ever foreseen. And I’ve been grieving on many levels. So, returning here, a chronicle of our happy travels, has been emotional. And I haven’t been ready to put that emotion to pen until recently. I still don’t feel ready…how do I know how open to be about such personal issues on such a public platform?
But I’ve thought about writing too many times not to try. And there’s been so many discoveries to share…
It’s the question I’ve been asking myself all month.
Six months ago Yair swept me away in his RV and took me to some of his favorite places (we discovered a few of our own as well). In all the time we were traveling I was largely going along with his decisions. This is something I’ve experienced on most of my family’s trips and I can enjoy letting go of the reins as long as I trust whoever is in charge to make it awesome. And it was awesome to experience all of those places with Yair and to see him enjoy the process of sharing and discovery. What a gift! But, when the call was made to return to Austin, and relatively quickly, I wasn’t exactly onboard or prepared and “letting go of the reins” started to feel like “out of control.”
In the month since our return I’ve manhandled my way back into the driver’s seat. I’ve signed a lease for an apartment, been in multiple interviews and am already working a part-time job, joined clubs, picked up where I left off with old hobbies and volunteer activities, and I’ve become more involved with my family – using free time to help out and catch up. It’s all felt good, though a little frantic at times. And I definitely lost some of that “zen state” feeling I was talking about in my last post…but all this work is laying a really solid foundation for a life designed and crafted by me, based solely on what I want.
But what do I want?
Starting over in a familiar city is a powerful thing. There are so many paths to explore, things I’ve always wanted to try but never had a reason to, things I’ve wanted for myself but was tied to something else. How do I choose? I’m listening to my intuition and not to other’s expectations, and allowing myself to take calculated risks. I’m feeling brave and bold and determined to keep working until I can step back and behold my creation…my own beautiful life.
Texas welcomed me back with a scorpion in my shower. I mustered enough bravery to capture and release it!A motley crew – the wonderful people of Keep Austin Weird Hash House Harriers: a drinking club with a running problem.In my free time I’ve been studying this wonderful book and fending off cuddles from my adoring cat.Finished this weaving just in time for my mother’s birthday. (Don’t worry, she got chocolate too.) And, yes, I wove a chicken in.Barton Creek is beautiful. I’m happy to have returned in October when the weather is perfect.Just put in an order for a shirt I designed in August…they should arrive in a week!
The trip from Eugene to Austin was a quick one but we were still able to enjoy some neat stuff along the way.
Most memorably:
The Dee Wright Observatory on a large lava flow in the Cascade Mountains (which has awesome viewing portholes).The Snake River, Idaho.The LDS (Mormon) temple in Salt Lake City.Fifth Water hot springs and waterfalls. A fantastic hike with fall colors and relaxing hot tubs that mingle with the cooler river water.Sego Canyon petroglyphs.Hunters Canyon in Moab.
I love Moab even more after this return trip. We stayed far out from the city and down inside a canyon. The campground was ours alone and far from the road, away from the sounds of dune buggies. Yair snuggled the RV up against a red rock wall and parked us within walking distance of a wonderfully lush, cool, and shaded river bed which provided a comfortable place to spend the afternoon. It is heaven in Moab at sunset.
RVing has been a lesson in simplicity and I intend to carry all that I’ve learned into the life I remake for myself in Austin. Simplicity applies to many areas and in different ways. Fewer possessions, fewer desires, honesty (as in doing what you say you are going to do which eliminates the nagging feeling of “I need to…” or “I should have…”), accepting and embracing other people’s freedom and choices (not taking things personally or trying to control others), and letting go of negative thoughts and feelings which can become obsessive (like unhelpful worry about the future). I’ve been living with less baggage and living more in the now and it’s been eyeopening, freeing.
I might be reaching a zen state. Let’s see if I can hold on to it as I plunge back in to work and city life…
Our sweet parking spot in Moab.We were definitely intruding on a bobcat…prints were everywhere!My favorite spot before sunset.
I have been away from the internet and neglecting my blog. Immediately after Burning Man I came down with a pretty bad stomach flu which definitely didn’t make me want to write or really do anything.
But now I’m feeling healthier than ever and trying to catch up.
Post burn we spent a few days in Reno taking care of the RV and ourselves – laundry, Yair hosed down every inch of the RV to get the dust off, getting Catty back from his baby-sitters, sleeping, etc. Then we were off.
We hiked through lava tubes (like long caves) at Lassen National Forest, stayed at the very relaxing Algoma campground (free!) in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest where we could hike along a river and visit waterfalls, spent an afternoon at Crater Lake, explored the wonders and waterfalls in the Umpqua National Forest (amazing!), and arrived in one of Yair’s favorite cities – Eugene, Oregon.
I found Eugene eerily similar to my hometown (Greensboro, NC) and felt refreshed by time in a city. In just two days I visited a “raptor center” (with 50 rescued birds of prey to gawk at), hiked a hilltop trail, went to Ecstatic Dance, ran a four-mile river trail, ordered a supremely good cappuccino, browsed record and book stores, visited glass-blowers, ate Thai food (it’s been too long!), and took a brewery tour. It was great to have so many things to do and to be around so many different kinds of people.
Yair and I have both been missing life in Austin and have been struggling with sharing so much time and so little space. And Eugene was a wonderful reminder of all the things Austin has to offer.
After some difficult conversations Yair and I have acknowledged the hardships of living so close to each other and so far from our friends and have decided that the best thing to do is return to Austin. Sadly, we are turning away from the coast and toward the south where we will, happily, find more balance in our lives. My time in the RV may be coming to an end but my adventures will continue. Now, off to Idaho!
We discovered a Shoe Tree outside of Reno.
The inside of the Lava tube at one end – very fun and remarkably smooth-walled.Mt Shasta at sunset. Some people claim an alien base lies inside the mountain.New favorite!At Crater Lake.
Fall Creek Falls in Umpqua National Forest. One of the many spectacular waterfalls we visited. Others were: Watson Falls, Toketee Falls, Little Falls on Steamboat Creek, Susan Creek Falls, and Deadline Falls. And we stopped at Umpqua Hot Springs before hitting these…so much water in Oregon!Burrowing owls at the Cascades Raptor Center…and their dinner.Fall colors in Eugene!
This post was written on September 2nd and posted later due to lack of internet connection. Enjoy!
There is a lot of speculation from the outside world on what goes on at Burning Man. I hear all kinds of stories from all kinds of people. It always sounds outlandish. It always sounds extreme. Usually dangerous and sometimes obscene.
The reality is that Burning Man is many things to many people. No one person has the same experience. And the experience you hope and plan for is rarely the one you get.
In my three years attending I’ve had good days and bad, seen the most exciting and the most mundane happenings, and met a very wide variety of people. But the thing I love most about Burning Man is that I am surrounded by people who feel free.
Once through the gates many adults who live a boring or “default” life let go of their social restrictions and responsibilities and start acting like kids again. They play in the dirt, mess up their hair, wear ridiculous outfits (or none at all), and act happy.
There is art, music, and experiences here unlike anything else in the world but the real magic of Burning Man is how it makes one feel – free to be joyfully alive, creative, and to express one’s self.
Nautical-themed art cars are everywhere. I’ve seen a lot of ship-shaped cars but this might be the largest actual ship-turned-into-car I’ve seen.Strange and wonderful art car.I love the construction of this rhino art car.Discofish – a drivable, rideable dance party that lights up at night and, of course, has a DJ booth built-in. Art/Sound cars like these abound at Burning Man. Often driving out to the empty playa at night, they park and attract a crowd, creating an ephemeral night club.One of my favorite domes. The lights on it were gorgeous, changing colors constantly and smoothly. Inside was a nice dance floor and great music for partner dancing.One of the signature art pieces that was burned this year. It kind of creeped me out, maybe because the people look a little lumpy, but was impressive nonetheless.Interactive art – like a giant merry-go-round!A whimsical steampunk cabin placed way out on the playa. So fun to discover while biking around.Yoga in the Black Rock Desert is “hot” by default. I lasted about 20 minutes before heading back to the RV for some shade and air conditioning.
