In my last post I described how, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more confident in my values and have been using them to guide my choices. Through this growth one area has eluded me: my diet.

Funny because this was one of the first ethical choices I made for myself: to become a vegetarian (or, at least, to eat less meat). I grew up going on hunting trips with my father and was very aware that meat came from (often cute) animals…animals like us…creatures that have their own lives and feel pain and die. I never liked the idea of killing something simply so I could eat it.

I never learned to hunt like my father and brothers did. But I did eat the meat that they brought home. And I ate other meat my parents brought home from the store or that I ordered at restaurants.

But somewhere around my sophomore year of high school I decided, along with my best friend, to go vegetarian…ish. I never truly cut out all meat from my diet. And things like shellfish still confuse me. There was a brief period in college, when I was at my most idealistic, that I got pretty strict and even attempted going vegan…but I wasn’t able to sustain it.

Then I moved to Texas.

After some time in this big, meat-filled state my boyfriend and I decided to “try” some of the famous barbecue. And then we wanted to “try” a hamburger. Slowly but surely meat was making a comeback in my diet. I had grown to love cooking and adding meat to the menu was an exciting repertoire-builder. Having a partner in crime was crucial…knowing my boyfriend was onboard made it feel “okay.”

Fast-forward a few years and I’m in a similar predicament: dating a vegetarian, not eating much meat myself, and suddenly we both decide we’re going to “splurge,” to “try:” thus commenced the so-called “food extravaganza,” when we ate our way through the top restaurants in Austin.

It was a fun and delicious time but there was an implied end to the extravagancies that never came. Rather, the extravaganza part petered out while the meat part hung around…and our choices became lazy.

Now that I’m on my own I’ve had to answer my own criticisms…there’s no one to blame for my choices but me…there’s no one to distract me or reassure me…and so, finally, I’ve got to be honest with myself: time to be a vegetarian again!

Well, vegetarian-ish. I’m still going to eat fish occasionally (and maybe shellfish), I’m not opposed to eating meat that is otherwise going to be wasted, and I’m always up for trying something new (like a country’s famous dish while traveling abroad). There are lots of little exceptions but the point is to not be buying meat and thus encouraging the industry.

I’m going to miss the fatty-delicious flavors for sure but nothing tastes as good as it feels to be living honestly and in line with my values.

I just turned thirty and for the first time in years I actually feel like this birthday means something. It seems that a change has been brewing in me for some time and turning thirty has led to a few conversations with other women that have enabled me to see and digest that change.

To sum it up: my values are more defined and are, to a greater extent, shaping the way I live my life.

I’m experienced enough to see how delicate and fleeting life is. And I’ve seen how much people need each other. Being selfish, self-conscious, or vain is a waste of time and energy and, if taken to an extreme, will make you feel isolated.

Love isn’t an emotion – it’s a set of behaviors. People share their love when they stand by you, support you, listen to you. Love is chicken soup when you’re sick. Love is dependable, honest, kind, and loyal. It might tell you things you don’t want to hear (like an uncomfortable truth) but it will never turn its back on you or shut you out. Love is the most precious thing in life.

It’s okay to try and fail. Trust and honor the people who are there to help you start over and prepare yourself to return the favor. Everyone has to start over every now and then.

Life is unfair and unpredictable. Everyone has a story of loss or heartache. Rather than being overwhelmed by an existential crisis, embrace the nature of life and allow it to make you kinder to your fellow man. See beyond yourself and realize that when it feels like the whole world is against you – it’s not – and you always have the power to help yourself and others.

Self-care is crucial. In our busy lives the first thing we tend to neglect is ourself. We do it in small ways that are unnoticeable at first: maybe we’re not eating as healthy as we want, too busy to exercise today, not enough time to read that book you’ve been looking forward to. But neglecting ourselves can become a habit that becomes the norm. It is important to find down time when one can be alone with their thoughts, to examine ourselves, and become aware of goals we are sabotaging.

Balance in life is achieved just as it is on a rope: with wiggles, uncertainty, and constant back-and-forths. The key to balance is to keep looking forward.

 

There are times in my life when, magically, everything comes together…wishes are granted, dreams realized, order and beauty revealed. It can last a moment or theme in an entire chapter of my life.

The last time I remember feeling this way was about two years ago, at the beginning of my romance with Yair. Back then I called it “cosmic shit” and I kept a casual log of the forces bringing us together. I was repeatedly amazed by how perfectly things in my life were fitting together. But over time I stopped adding to the log, and eventually deleted it, forgetting about such serendipity.

Until a few weeks ago.

My art group’s meetings are loosely based on a book, “The Artist’s Way,” and we had reached the section on synchronicity.

And it started:

I hadn’t had time to get “The Artist’s Way” from the library, but then my friend Laura found an extra copy and lent it to me. I wouldn’t have had time to read it, but then my mother took me on vacation. A vacation I sorely needed. And while reading through the book I came to some text that hit me:

“If you do one nice thing a day for yourself, God will do two more. Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters. Be open to receiving gifts from odd channels: free tickets, a free trip, an offer to buy you dinner, a new-to-you old couch. Practice saying yes to such help.”

I was on a free trip, received a free ticket to a concert from friends which I’d be attending the day after my return to Austin, had been offered dinner, and had been offered an old couch! It was all already happening. I need only awaken to the power of yes and start owning these cosmic gifts! (If this is sounding too “out there” for you remember that it’s all about awareness and self care…and who couldn’t use more of that?)

From that moment on I’ve started noticing such gifts and connections all around me. And I’ve started saying “yes” a whole lot more. All the hard work I’ve done is paying off and things are falling into place.

Opportunities abound, one need only notice them.

The art club I joined occasionally does what’s called an art exchange.

This begins with everyone bringing something with them to a meeting. We draw names out of a hat and your give your “thing” to the person whose name you’ve drawn. That person then creates a new “thing” (a song, painting, story, whatever) based on what they’d received. And the exchange can continue from there as a sort of creative game of telephone – all media are welcome.

I love it when we get to the part of our meeting where we unveil our exchanges…it’s like Christmas morning! Last week we were treated to stories, poems, paintings, a big painted face mask, viola and percussion, and electronic music.

Because this exchange has continued into its fourth turn I decided to document the line of what I’ve dubbed the Ouroboros (an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail): It began as a leather bracelet, became a poem, then a drawing, and I expect this week it will become a song.

ROUND 1 (A Leather Bracelet):

ROUND 2 (Poem by Laura Granfortuna):

What prompts the Ouroboros
To thus consume his tail?

To push his piercing fang
Into his armored scale?

Does he seek completion,
A circle’s perfect poise?

Is he so full of loathing,
That he himself destroys?

Perhaps it is defiance
At God’s unjust design

A premature attrition
Unto the tide of time

Does he begin to waver,
Drunk on his poison blood?

As the heady venom
His veins begins to flood;

Will he continue eating
‘Til he is but a head?

Will he stay there motionless
and withering ’til dead?

Is but this trifling paradox
To make us hesitate?

To lead us to abandon
Fruitless worries for our fate.

ROUND 3 (Drawing by me):

 

UPDATE:

ROUND 4 (Logo Design & Poem):

Before RVing I had a wonderful job as a graphic designer at The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. I have a degree in and passion for design. Art and design will always be part of my life.

But on the road I chose to focus on writing, photography, painting, weaving, drawing, and dance – other ways of being creative that I hadn’t had time for while working.

When I returned to Austin the natural decision would have been to plunge back into regular office work at a design firm or as an in-house designer. I did apply, and even interviewed a bit, but I found that my approach lacked enthusiasm and I realized I wasn’t ready to return to a desk.

I started considering other professions. Soon my “just in case I don’t land a design job immediately” options became my most exciting and sought-after job options.

I landed at Whole Foods, a company I have always admired, at the flagship store (which I have often hung out in), working at the juice bar.

So far the experience has been tremendous. I love the physicality of the job (combined with my bike commute, it has made me stronger than ever) and the constant interaction with people. I also love that my coworkers are generally happy, idealistic people who try to make the world a better place.

The company is very supportive of its employees and I was immediately asked what future I’d like to have with it…

It didn’t take me long to meet the marketing team and land a couple shifts with them. They taught me how to paint the chalk boards that decorate the store and how to make some holiday displays. It was fun to feel crafty and to get to know new parts of the massive, maze-like store. I will continue to pursue opportunities to use my art and design skills at Whole Foods. And in the meantime I’m picking up some freelance design work and joining an art club.

I had a bad day recently. Though I’d been feeling a lot of forward momentum in my life I found myself moping around my house, wanting to venture out and work on projects, but finding myself unwilling to. I just stayed in bed. And I kept thinking about my breakup and going over all the worst details and experiences from that relationship. And, to my horror, I found that I was remembering some of those experiences for the first time. As each bad memory piled up I started to become aware of what I was doing…and I asked myself “Is this healthy?” I know that it is good to go over the events of a relationship at its end, in order to learn from them…but this growing list of grievances was too much! But I took pity on myself and let myself wallow for a day, and, amazingly, the results have been very positive.

In spending time with myself, remembering bad experiences, I was able to feel more gratitude for my new single-ness. And in allowing myself to participate in the process of reflection I learned that I have the capacity to “laugh off” or “brush off” or otherwise ignore personal attacks. For example: I avoided a confrontation by responding to an insult with “that’s ridiculous,” and stopped the exchange there when I should have gone a step further to ask “why did you say that?” and talk over the consequences. These were experiences that I should have remembered and should have sought closure for. Though troubling, I am glad to have discovered this tendency because, now that I am aware of it, I will be able to better take care of myself.

Later, that night, I had the most amazing dreams. I saw whales and sea birds, I ran through the forest and swam in the ocean, and I fell in love. When I woke up I could still feel the inner warmth of that love and I smiled and wrapped myself up in bed. Feeling that emotion course through my veins made me remember that I can fall in love again. A clarity and optimism took over my mind and has remained with me – it is as if a fog has been lifted.

In the nights since, I’ve continued having fun, vivid dreams. It is almost as if my subconscious was doing so much work suppressing and juggling those bad experiences that it didn’t have any energy left to imagine, and my dreams suffered. But since I was able to access, process, and release those bad experiences I have regained my own creative energy as well as a sense of peace.

Wonderfully, all of this coincided with the release of the cover article “Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down” in Psychology Today. I’m not a regular reader of the magazine but this article grabbed me. After reading it and having had this experience I’m definitely going to try to stop labeling any emotion “negative,” even if it feels bad.

I am curious. When I really like someone, and especially when I enter into a romantic partnership with someone, I soak up who they are. I ask them about their life and experiences and I explore new perspectives through their eyes. I encourage their individual passions and join them in those pursuits. I learn about them. And sometimes I continue learning on my own.

Through Yair I found Judaism. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling myself Jewish. I’ve never been seriously interested in joining an organized religion. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t find religions fascinating – historically, socially, philosophically.

Yair was raised Orthodox, speaks Hebrew, and still practices some rituals at home. The closer we became, the more comfortable I felt asking him about his religious past. And he began including me in some rituals…lighting candles, smelling spices, drinking wine. He showed me how to write our names in Hebrew and cooked us kugels and cholents.

I have wonderful memories of being beside him as he lit a home-made hanukkiah that we named “log-ukiah” (it was, essentially, a log with candle holes), a fire-side Thanksgivukkah, and sipping wine together to celebrate many a Shabbat. And, as we hit the road together, I became the enthusiastic instigator of the kiddush – breaking out the necessary equipment (candles, matches, wine and glasses, and sometimes a jar of cloves) and then positioning myself across from Yair so that I could enjoy his smiling, sing-song prayers and watch the light in his eyes. Such wonderful, peaceful memories will be cherished.

My experience of Judaica could have stopped there and ceased when I moved out of the RV. But I still had curiosities, and I have family ties, and I felt comfort in a growing understanding and desire to delve into a rich history.

So, on my out of the RV I asked Yair if I could borrow a rather large book I had thumbed though: “Jewish Literacy” by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin.

Within my first month back in Austin I had finished the book, taken notes, and done some extra research on the side.

I felt inspired and my perspective transformed many times while reading. I’ve copied some of my notes below and I hope you can find some interesting information or inspiration for yourself in them.

I don’t know what the future holds for me and Judaism…but I expect my curiosity is here to stay.

 

“JEWISH LITERACY” NOTES & QUOTES

“God shall be what God shall be to that person. He cannot be adequately described to others.”

“…for most people, faith and doubt exist independently of anything that God does.”

Martin Buber: Every person can find his own way to God so there is no reason to model the behavior of someone else.

Franz Rosenzweig: “Not Yet” – not ready to _ yet. As in someone who does not wear tefillin should be viewed as someone who is not spiritually ready to yet. This perspective unites across denominational lines. Transforms blame or frustration into pity or compassion.

“The classic test of repentance is to see how a person acts when placed in exactly the same circumstances in which he previously sinned.”

“How can you tell when a sin you committed has been pardoned? When you no longer commit the sin.”

“You shall not abhor an Egyptian, for you were a stranger in his land.”

At the Passover Seder a drop of wine is spilled for each of the ten plagues – a symbolic statement of a diminution of joy at the Egyptian’s suffering.

“You shall not take his name in vain” means “you shall not use God as your justification in selfish causes.”

The Sabbath is to be made a holy day – not a resting day.

“He who is merciful when he should be cruel, will in the end be cruel when he should be merciful.”

Rabi Tarfon: “It is not your obligation to complete the work (of perfecting the world); but you are not free to desist from it either.”

The high court of Sanhedrin asked much of its members, including that they have children. “The rabbis believed that the experience of raising children makes a person more sympathetic and humble.”

Rav Kook: “The Second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred within the Jewish community. Perhaps it will be rebuilt through causeless love.”

“Even the transgressors in Israel are full of good deeds as a pomegranate is filled with seeds.”

Anne Frank: “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

Bernard Baruch: “Every man has a right to his own opinion. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.”

Who says your blood is redder? (It is not okay to murder an innocent to save another’s life).

Reb Aryeh’s love for his wife: “My wife’s feet are hurting us.”

“The gossiper stands in Rome and kills in Syria.”

Israel Salanter: “Normally we worry about our own material well-being and our neighbors souls; let us rather worry about our neighbors material well-being and our own souls.”

One is forbidden to eat before he has fed his animals.

Jews generally do not hunt. Heinrich Heine: “My ancestors did not belong to the hunters so much as the hunted, and the idea of attacking the descendants of those who were our comrades in misery goes against my grain.”

Parents should teach their children self defense via: the Torah, how to earn a living, and how to swim.

Whoever saves a single life, it is as if he saved an entire world. (Because the person saved will likely go on to have children who will have their own children and on and on). Thus, if one person kills another, it is as if a whole world has been lost.

Guests may stay three days: “On the day a guest arrives a calf is slaughtered in his honor; the next day, a sheep, the third day, a fowl, and on the fourth day, he is served just beans.”

“If your wife is short, bend over to hear her whisper.”

God is in a higher plane than anyone giving an evil order – those orders should not be followed. “There is no messenger in the case of sin.”

Louis Brandeis: “The irresistible is often only that which is not resisted.”

It’s been a while since my last post and a lot has changed. I have a new apartment, a new job, new friends. I’ve done so much hard work that I’ve barely had time to do something like write. But that’s not the only reason I stopped posting.

Over the past couple months I’ve started writing many times and on many different subjects. But I could never bring myself to devote the time needed to bring a post to completion.

Over and over again I became heart-sick while writing and began to doubt and challenge the very existence of this blog. I even thought about erasing the whole thing.

I created this blog to capture my RVing adventures with Yair and to share my life and finds with friends and family during times when I knew I would have limited connectivity. Well, now I am settled in Austin and connectivity is not an issue. But, tragically, I’ve had to let go of Yair completely and struggle with the persistent hope that we might remain friends. That incredible loss was not something I would have ever foreseen. And I’ve been grieving on many levels. So, returning here, a chronicle of our happy travels, has been emotional. And I haven’t been ready to put that emotion to pen until recently. I still don’t feel ready…how do I know how open to be about such personal issues on such a public platform?

But I’ve thought about writing too many times not to try. And there’s been so many discoveries to share…

It’s the question I’ve been asking myself all month.

Six months ago Yair swept me away in his RV and took me to some of his favorite places (we discovered a few of our own as well). In all the time we were traveling I was largely going along with his decisions. This is something I’ve experienced on most of my family’s trips and I can enjoy letting go of the reins as long as I trust whoever is in charge to make it awesome. And it was awesome to experience all of those places with Yair and to see him enjoy the process of sharing and discovery. What a gift! But, when the call was made to return to Austin, and relatively quickly, I wasn’t exactly onboard or prepared and “letting go of the reins” started to feel like “out of control.”

In the month since our return I’ve manhandled my way back into the driver’s seat. I’ve signed a lease for an apartment, been in multiple interviews and am already working a part-time job, joined clubs, picked up where I left off with old hobbies and volunteer activities, and I’ve become more involved with my family – using free time to help out and catch up. It’s all felt good, though a little frantic at times. And I definitely lost some of that “zen state” feeling I was talking about in my last post…but all this work is laying a really solid foundation for a life designed and crafted by me, based solely on what I want.

But what do I want?

Starting over in a familiar city is a powerful thing. There are so many paths to explore, things I’ve always wanted to try but never had a reason to, things I’ve wanted for myself but was tied to something else. How do I choose? I’m listening to my intuition and not to other’s expectations, and allowing myself to take calculated risks. I’m feeling brave and bold and determined to keep working until I can step back and behold my creation…my own beautiful life.

The trip from Eugene to Austin was a quick one but we were still able to enjoy some neat stuff along the way.

Most memorably:

I love Moab even more after this return trip. We stayed far out from the city and down inside a canyon. The campground was ours alone and far from the road, away from the sounds of dune buggies. Yair snuggled the RV up against a red rock wall and parked us within walking distance of a wonderfully lush, cool, and shaded river bed which provided a comfortable place to spend the afternoon. It is heaven in Moab at sunset.

RVing has been a lesson in simplicity and I intend to carry all that I’ve learned into the life I remake for myself in Austin. Simplicity applies to many areas and in different ways. Fewer possessions, fewer desires, honesty (as in doing what you say you are going to do which eliminates the nagging feeling of “I need to…” or “I should have…”), accepting and embracing other people’s freedom and choices (not taking things personally or trying to control others), and letting go of negative thoughts and feelings which can become obsessive (like unhelpful worry about the future). I’ve been living with less baggage and living more in the now and it’s been eyeopening, freeing.

I might be reaching a zen state. Let’s see if I can hold on to it as I plunge back in to work and city life…