In the midst of all of this Autumn’s trials, I was still making art. My latest creation is called, simply, “Pigeon Portrait.” It’s a 24″x36″ acrylic painting on an Ampersand art board. Larger than it sounds, and very bright, this pigeon lights up a room.

It is the second large, graphic, acrylic painting I’ve done and I plan to continue the trend. I already have my next painting in mind.

Like falling dominoes, I have witnessed parts of my life tumbling down. This Autumn has been a cruel one. This year, in fact, has been hard. And not just for me.

After a spring of heavy, destructive rains and flooding, the biggest loses began in late summer.

My mother’s company joined up with another and she found herself in an increasingly toxic work environment. Her stress levels rose as she watched coworkers get fired, get sick, and leave. Her job, which she loved, was falling apart.

I suffered a major loss in my own job. I was in line for an interview for the graphic artist position I had been working toward when suddenly: a hiring freeze, layoffs, restructuring, and my position eliminated. For two days I waited, horrified, to find out if I was getting axed. When I found out I was safe, but that my job would be changing, I didn’t feel much better. My work environment was now vibrating with tension. There were threats, there was crying, all of our jobs became harder.

My mom and I talked about going to France to relax but decided it would be best to wait until things at work calmed down.

Then, my mother’s situation became scary when she developed an ulcer from the stress. It became shocking when she felt she had to quit for her health’s sake. Her ulcer was really bad. I remember her saying “I didn’t know ulcers were like this.” I felt uneasy. The medicine wasn’t working.

My life seemed to fall to pieces when she called me to tell me that she had cancer. My Uncle Bill brought her to Dallas so that she wouldn’t be alone; so that she would have better doctors; so that we could help her.

My family gathered together. We supported each other. We gave her everything we could think of to make her better. We believed that she was going to get better quickly. We followed the path laid out by the doctors. She was so tired. But she was optimistic. We were all optimistic.

We celebrated her and my Uncle Paul’s birthdays together. She was satisfied that she finally got us all together for her birthday.

I went back to work in Austin and she began chemotherapy in Dallas. I woke up one morning and just knew that she was in the hospital. My phone rang. She was in the ICU. I started packing my clothes and getting ready to drive up there. My boyfriend Sean came to see me and the phone rang again.

There was this horrible moment, when I was told that she was gone, that will be forever etched into my mind. I felt like I was pulled up and away from everything. Everything became unreal. I became like a robot and my environment a dream. I wandered around in circles and zigzags, trying to get away from the truth.

Sean helped get my stuff together and got us to Dallas.

It started raining again. Lightbulbs burst in the house, leaving broken glass. There was more flooding.

I cried so much and for so long that when I stopped it was because I physically just couldn’t anymore. Everything hurt. My shoulders were constantly clenched. My jaw clenched. My stomach in knots. Sleeping and eating were things I had to make myself do. There was a pain in my heart. Each day when I woke up I wanted to go right back to sleep because when I slept I didn’t remember that she was gone.

It all felt so unreal. She was the one I went to the most for guidance. And I would catch myself, when working through the puzzle of practical problems left by her absence, going down my default line of thinking: “I’ll call mom.”

She encouraged me and she helped me learn to trust my instincts and follow my heart. She showed me the importance of creativity, service, physical and mental health, and constant growth through education and exploration.

I am going to miss her. I am learning to call upon her in times of need. Gratitude will overtake sadness. I will keep creating, exploring, and being, in her honor.

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Much thanks to everyone who helped me during this time. I am grateful for my friends and family who shared this experience with me, who allowed our connections to deepen, and who were not afraid to face the shadows so that we can more fully (with more presentness and gratitude) live in the light.

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Since I started working at Whole Foods I’ve been in the habit of wandering around the produce department. It is usually so well-stocked and beautifully organized and they often have unusual fruit that I’ve never tried before. Lately I’ve been tasking myself to take a chance on these strange beauties.

The latest adventure is one I’ve contemplated before. Prickly pear cacti are common in Austin and I see the fruit every year. It appears as an ingredient on menus and I’ve wondered what the fruit is like in its raw form.

So, I grabbed a fruit, immediately got some tiny thorns lodge in my palm, and took it home where I learned how to carefully handle it.

Using tongs to grasp the fruit, I cut the ends off and then a slit down the length of it. From there, I could easily slide the outer skin off of the softer inner meat. I pried off a small piece and tossed it in my mouth – CRUNCH! The fruit is filled with lots of tiny, hard seeds similar to a pomegranate.

I declared the seeds inedible and decided to chuck the whole thing into my blender. Maybe they were soft enough to become pulverized by the blades? WRONG. But the fruit liquified beautifully and I was able to strain it out from the seeds.

Now, what to do with this tasty, hot pink, sweet juice?

I had about two ounces from one fruit and decided to add a little gin, lime juice, and ice to make a lovely cocktail. The sweetness in the juice mellowed the gin wonderfully (although I think a more floral gin would have complemented the flavors better) and the lime added a hint of tartness that brought the whole thing together.

A fruit experiment that resulted in a new cocktail! A nice way to spend a rainy afternoon.

The temperatures are finally dropping, the sun is slanting, and the colors are changing. Time for some hiking!

On and off since March I’ve been writing “morning pages” – a few pages written stream-of-consciousness, first thing in the morning. It has been a very therapeutic and informative practice but, more recently, it also had the effect of killing my drive to write for this blog.

I’ve been pondering my blog and blogs in general, questioning what purpose they might serve. I think that they have the potential to be a powerful source of connection, the kind of connection that can really help people (even if you don’t know them).

In the interest of connection and potentially helping others I’m sharing one of my morning pages from a while back. As soon as I finished it I could feel that it had some power.

I was studying Zen Buddhism at the time and those teachings are present throughout.

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MORNING PAGES:

I woke up recognizing that I need to forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself for loving people who didn’t love me back; for trying to make relationships work. I did that with the best intentions. I am not perfect. Sometimes I was wrong. But that’s okay. It is normal to try and fail. It is normal to regret. But it is not healthy to blame myself for things I could not control – outcomes between two people.

It is vital for our sense of security and safety that we feel in control of our lives and environments. But we live in a world of constant, unpredictable change. Sometimes the control we cling to becomes a delusion. We trick ourselves into feeling good.

But these tricks and delusions only separate us from what we want most – peace, a oneness, not feeling alone.

I’ve attempted to feel in control by blaming myself for the actions of others – “if only I’d done something differently, our relationship would have worked.”

But it was never just “me,” it was “us.” Relationships, like anything else in life, are built with inherent instability. It is more likely to last if the builders work together and stay vigilant for cracks in the foundation or other errors that could cause the whole thing to fall apart.

Releasing myself from blame is strange in that it allows me to feel anger I never felt for my partner and for the injustice and chaos in the world.

I have to find a place for these feelings – recognizing that they are valid. Struggle is part of life. We are not happy all the time. Difficult feelings are natural and we should allow ourselves to have and express them.

Being mad at someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Feeling hurt doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love.

We must try to wear our bad days, not as a badge, but as a patch, one of many on our multi-colored coats. We must honor all facets of life and try to exist within, as a part of the horrible, beautiful chaos that surrounds us; that is us.

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Since my life drawing classes in college I have always wondered what it would be like to be a model. Baring it all seemed like a powerful way to affirm one’s self. And, as a life-long artist, I have pondered what it is like on the other side…to be the art itself. Back then, I even inquired with one of my professors who immediately talked me out of it by reminding me that I would, effectively, be modeling for my classmates…which could be a little awkward (especially in the small-town, conservative culture my university existed within).

But that curiosity never stopped. And Austin is full of creative-types so I’ve heard about opportunities for figure-drawing session and photography pretty regularly. But I never really pursued anything.

Then, few weeks ago, one of my friends told me about a photographer she modeled for and showed me that photos. They looked great and she had a wonderful experience…so, I contacted the photographer and we started talking.

He had a great portfolio and a specific vision in mind, so I was onboard. We met near a creek on the day of the shoot. I was anxious about meeting him but once he arrived his honest, calm, professional nature instantly relaxed me. We walked down to the water and talked the vision over. We were going to try to recreate the torture/shooting of St Sebastian using suction-cup arrows (a playful take on a dramatic scene). We’d also do some looser shoots in the water. It all sounded great.

Then came the moment when I needed to go bare. At once I felt the fear of being vulnerable to judgement. Let’s make no apologies, this person was going to objectify me – view me as a piece of art (or a tool with which he could make art). Judgment is integral. I think being an artist myself allowed me to see that. The majority of my experience has been on the artist’s side: carefully taking in every part, every angle, every texture, and judging it, and using the judgement to decide upon the most pleasing composition…what is it that I like and want to highlight? What do I dislike and want to hide?

In a flash, that moment was over. I removed my clothes and made a gesture that released all that nervous energy and at once said “this is my body, judge it how you will, this is it.” And that was it.

We immediately set to work attaching three suction-cup arrows to my torso with spirit gum and a lot of patience.

The shoot was a few hours long, in hot weather, and I got pretty messy (covered in dirt and leaves and spirit gum) but I left feeling totally energized and inspired. The whole experience was fun and empowering and I’m surprised at how quickly and easily I was able to get over my anxiety. I’m really happy with the resulting photos and want to do another shoot sometime soon.

I love being an artist but I’m discovering that being a performer can be just as challenging and fun.

Photos by Andrew Stevens.

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About two months ago I got a promotion at Whole Foods and am now “Sales Driver” for the Specialty Department (Beer, Wine, Cheese, Olives, Coffee & Juice). I wanted to wait to write about the position until I felt really comfortable in it…and I finally do…although I am definitely still learning.

The most basic description of my job is to increase sales through in-store sampling and demonstrations. A day at work could be as simple as giving away cheese samples. But there’s a lot of variables that can make even that task complicated: how do I know which cheese to sample (cost/inventory/taste/price/specials), where do I set up (placement of product/day of the week/time/store-wide events/foot-traffic/weather), and I have to balance the direction I get from a variety of specialists and those in leadership.

Basically, I work for everyone in the entire store…juggling their expectations and the needs of every department. That’s the hard part.

The fun part is in the freedom I have to be a creative problem solver. I’m given a huge number of variables and expectations and have to find my own way through them. It takes a lot of confidence and a lot of coffee to do the research, outline the goal, decide on a course of action, plan for every step, actually implement the event/solution, and then reflect on how everything went, communicate my successes and failures to the team, and think about how I can do it better next time.

I have a healthy balance of time in the store, interacting with customers, and time in the office, planning and learning operations. I’m really enjoying learning everything I can about how the company works and meeting everyone that’s in it. My favorite part of my job is still the people I work with. I feel lucky to be able to say that. And I feel supported by them.

Tomorrow I’m beginning my first day of some more in-depth training that will prepare me to move into a leadership role. I’m also working with the Marketing team and am expressing my desire to incorporate graphic design into my role with the company. So much has changed already and I’ve only been with the company for eight months! I feel very optimistic about the track I’m on and I’m still glad everyday that I work for Whole Foods…you just can’t beat this group of people.

AND I’m learning so much about cheese! I’ve got beer and wine in my sights too and hope to become quite the snob…

In the meantime, I’m already eating healthier and cooking more at home. My recipes are becoming more complex and are including the “specialty” ingredients I work with everyday. How can you taste a freshly-cut, amazing cheese and not bring some home with you?

I gained a lot from my experiences at Flipside this year. The biggest lesson was in relationships and my evolving relationship with relationships.

After feeling dumped and duped by my last love I found myself retreating into a solitary mental space. A less trusting space.

When I realized that mistrust was guiding my behavior I took conscious steps to change that, and have largely succeeded. Vague, dismissive thoughts still pass through my mind when I’m confronted with intimacy but now I am aware of these thoughts and can acknowledge them and move forward.

I started dating a while ago and would catch myself testing my partners…looking for signs of trouble. And I watched myself closely. I wanted to do everything possible to avoid getting hurt again. But then I saw how disconnected I was from the process and hated it.

Turning back to lessons I learned from “The Artist’s Way” I decided, with a healthy sense of humor, to invoke some magic: I found a photo of a man that would represent my next love, I wrote all the qualities I wanted him to have on the back, and I carried it around with me. “Ask and you shall receive!”

It just so happens that this piece of magic was in my pocket when I went out to meet friends for drinks…friends who asked me if I was dating…friends I showed my list to…friends who quickly set me up with a match.

I’m now in a nice and slowly but steadily building relationship with Sean. I’m still very timid and am taking things slow. And I’m very much enjoying and savoring my independence right now…but it sure is nice to have someone to make dinner and go on adventures with!

It’s been over a month since we started seeing each other, and I definitely still get freaked out, but I like this slow climb. And I’m happy that I’ve come this far. Maybe the hard lessons from last Fall were lessons I needed to learn. Maybe I can love more honestly and completely now…certainly more humbly.

Regardless, I’m having a good time and we are helping each other grow as individuals. Plus, we made some cider!

The exceedingly wet spring I described in my last post continued, intensified, and caused flooding and destruction through central Texas. A month later, the rain is letting up but this year continues to feel tropical…more like Costa Rica than Texas.

In the middle of these storms, Austin held its regional Burn event, Flipside. The wet conditions made it unlike any Flipside yet – less art, no art cars, sticky mud covering everything, wind and rain, flooding, and it even got dangerous at the end when the water kept rising until people were forced to abandon their belongings and seek higher ground.

Despite all the hardships, this was my favorite Flipside yet. Every problem brought the community closer together – we struggled together, we helped each other selflessly, and we laughed and smiled our way through it all. I left feeling filled up with gratitude, with a more open and trusting heart, and with friendships made deeper.

So, what is Flipside? Here’s an excerpt from the survival guide:

Burning Flipside is an experiment in collaborative community featuring art and music created by those who attend. Attendees are known as participants (there are no spectators at Flipside; everyone collaborates in some way to create the event). Inspired by the Burning Man festival, it is a place for radical self-expression and an experiment in community building. It is a place of acceptance, inclusivity, and respect. It is organized entirely by volunteers. The art and entertainment is created solely by participants. There are no concession stands. No cash transactions are permitted at Flipside – even bartering is discouraged. This is a sincere experiment in creating a gift economy. If you need something, ask for it. If you have it, gift it.

Our events foster an environment of creative self-expression, where participants feel supported to honestly express their inner selves, through artistic creation, performance, and in their social interactions.

This is the longest and wettest spring I have experienced in Austin. The creeks are overflowing, the grass is tall, and frogs and turtles are out and about. The air is thick with humidity and the scent of flowers.