Since I started working at Whole Foods I’ve been in the habit of wandering around the produce department. It is usually so well-stocked and beautifully organized and they often have unusual fruit that I’ve never tried before. Lately I’ve been tasking myself to take a chance on these strange beauties.

The latest adventure is one I’ve contemplated before. Prickly pear cacti are common in Austin and I see the fruit every year. It appears as an ingredient on menus and I’ve wondered what the fruit is like in its raw form.

So, I grabbed a fruit, immediately got some tiny thorns lodge in my palm, and took it home where I learned how to carefully handle it.

Using tongs to grasp the fruit, I cut the ends off and then a slit down the length of it. From there, I could easily slide the outer skin off of the softer inner meat. I pried off a small piece and tossed it in my mouth – CRUNCH! The fruit is filled with lots of tiny, hard seeds similar to a pomegranate.

I declared the seeds inedible and decided to chuck the whole thing into my blender. Maybe they were soft enough to become pulverized by the blades? WRONG. But the fruit liquified beautifully and I was able to strain it out from the seeds.

Now, what to do with this tasty, hot pink, sweet juice?

I had about two ounces from one fruit and decided to add a little gin, lime juice, and ice to make a lovely cocktail. The sweetness in the juice mellowed the gin wonderfully (although I think a more floral gin would have complemented the flavors better) and the lime added a hint of tartness that brought the whole thing together.

A fruit experiment that resulted in a new cocktail! A nice way to spend a rainy afternoon.

The temperatures are finally dropping, the sun is slanting, and the colors are changing. Time for some hiking!

On and off since March I’ve been writing “morning pages” – a few pages written stream-of-consciousness, first thing in the morning. It has been a very therapeutic and informative practice but, more recently, it also had the effect of killing my drive to write for this blog.

I’ve been pondering my blog and blogs in general, questioning what purpose they might serve. I think that they have the potential to be a powerful source of connection, the kind of connection that can really help people (even if you don’t know them).

In the interest of connection and potentially helping others I’m sharing one of my morning pages from a while back. As soon as I finished it I could feel that it had some power.

I was studying Zen Buddhism at the time and those teachings are present throughout.

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MORNING PAGES:

I woke up recognizing that I need to forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself for loving people who didn’t love me back; for trying to make relationships work. I did that with the best intentions. I am not perfect. Sometimes I was wrong. But that’s okay. It is normal to try and fail. It is normal to regret. But it is not healthy to blame myself for things I could not control – outcomes between two people.

It is vital for our sense of security and safety that we feel in control of our lives and environments. But we live in a world of constant, unpredictable change. Sometimes the control we cling to becomes a delusion. We trick ourselves into feeling good.

But these tricks and delusions only separate us from what we want most – peace, a oneness, not feeling alone.

I’ve attempted to feel in control by blaming myself for the actions of others – “if only I’d done something differently, our relationship would have worked.”

But it was never just “me,” it was “us.” Relationships, like anything else in life, are built with inherent instability. It is more likely to last if the builders work together and stay vigilant for cracks in the foundation or other errors that could cause the whole thing to fall apart.

Releasing myself from blame is strange in that it allows me to feel anger I never felt for my partner and for the injustice and chaos in the world.

I have to find a place for these feelings – recognizing that they are valid. Struggle is part of life. We are not happy all the time. Difficult feelings are natural and we should allow ourselves to have and express them.

Being mad at someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Feeling hurt doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love.

We must try to wear our bad days, not as a badge, but as a patch, one of many on our multi-colored coats. We must honor all facets of life and try to exist within, as a part of the horrible, beautiful chaos that surrounds us; that is us.

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Since my life drawing classes in college I have always wondered what it would be like to be a model. Baring it all seemed like a powerful way to affirm one’s self. And, as a life-long artist, I have pondered what it is like on the other side…to be the art itself. Back then, I even inquired with one of my professors who immediately talked me out of it by reminding me that I would, effectively, be modeling for my classmates…which could be a little awkward (especially in the small-town, conservative culture my university existed within).

But that curiosity never stopped. And Austin is full of creative-types so I’ve heard about opportunities for figure-drawing session and photography pretty regularly. But I never really pursued anything.

Then, few weeks ago, one of my friends told me about a photographer she modeled for and showed me that photos. They looked great and she had a wonderful experience…so, I contacted the photographer and we started talking.

He had a great portfolio and a specific vision in mind, so I was onboard. We met near a creek on the day of the shoot. I was anxious about meeting him but once he arrived his honest, calm, professional nature instantly relaxed me. We walked down to the water and talked the vision over. We were going to try to recreate the torture/shooting of St Sebastian using suction-cup arrows (a playful take on a dramatic scene). We’d also do some looser shoots in the water. It all sounded great.

Then came the moment when I needed to go bare. At once I felt the fear of being vulnerable to judgement. Let’s make no apologies, this person was going to objectify me – view me as a piece of art (or a tool with which he could make art). Judgment is integral. I think being an artist myself allowed me to see that. The majority of my experience has been on the artist’s side: carefully taking in every part, every angle, every texture, and judging it, and using the judgement to decide upon the most pleasing composition…what is it that I like and want to highlight? What do I dislike and want to hide?

In a flash, that moment was over. I removed my clothes and made a gesture that released all that nervous energy and at once said “this is my body, judge it how you will, this is it.” And that was it.

We immediately set to work attaching three suction-cup arrows to my torso with spirit gum and a lot of patience.

The shoot was a few hours long, in hot weather, and I got pretty messy (covered in dirt and leaves and spirit gum) but I left feeling totally energized and inspired. The whole experience was fun and empowering and I’m surprised at how quickly and easily I was able to get over my anxiety. I’m really happy with the resulting photos and want to do another shoot sometime soon.

I love being an artist but I’m discovering that being a performer can be just as challenging and fun.

Photos by Andrew Stevens.

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About two months ago I got a promotion at Whole Foods and am now “Sales Driver” for the Specialty Department (Beer, Wine, Cheese, Olives, Coffee & Juice). I wanted to wait to write about the position until I felt really comfortable in it…and I finally do…although I am definitely still learning.

The most basic description of my job is to increase sales through in-store sampling and demonstrations. A day at work could be as simple as giving away cheese samples. But there’s a lot of variables that can make even that task complicated: how do I know which cheese to sample (cost/inventory/taste/price/specials), where do I set up (placement of product/day of the week/time/store-wide events/foot-traffic/weather), and I have to balance the direction I get from a variety of specialists and those in leadership.

Basically, I work for everyone in the entire store…juggling their expectations and the needs of every department. That’s the hard part.

The fun part is in the freedom I have to be a creative problem solver. I’m given a huge number of variables and expectations and have to find my own way through them. It takes a lot of confidence and a lot of coffee to do the research, outline the goal, decide on a course of action, plan for every step, actually implement the event/solution, and then reflect on how everything went, communicate my successes and failures to the team, and think about how I can do it better next time.

I have a healthy balance of time in the store, interacting with customers, and time in the office, planning and learning operations. I’m really enjoying learning everything I can about how the company works and meeting everyone that’s in it. My favorite part of my job is still the people I work with. I feel lucky to be able to say that. And I feel supported by them.

Tomorrow I’m beginning my first day of some more in-depth training that will prepare me to move into a leadership role. I’m also working with the Marketing team and am expressing my desire to incorporate graphic design into my role with the company. So much has changed already and I’ve only been with the company for eight months! I feel very optimistic about the track I’m on and I’m still glad everyday that I work for Whole Foods…you just can’t beat this group of people.

AND I’m learning so much about cheese! I’ve got beer and wine in my sights too and hope to become quite the snob…

In the meantime, I’m already eating healthier and cooking more at home. My recipes are becoming more complex and are including the “specialty” ingredients I work with everyday. How can you taste a freshly-cut, amazing cheese and not bring some home with you?

I gained a lot from my experiences at Flipside this year. The biggest lesson was in relationships and my evolving relationship with relationships.

After feeling dumped and duped by my last love I found myself retreating into a solitary mental space. A less trusting space.

When I realized that mistrust was guiding my behavior I took conscious steps to change that, and have largely succeeded. Vague, dismissive thoughts still pass through my mind when I’m confronted with intimacy but now I am aware of these thoughts and can acknowledge them and move forward.

I started dating a while ago and would catch myself testing my partners…looking for signs of trouble. And I watched myself closely. I wanted to do everything possible to avoid getting hurt again. But then I saw how disconnected I was from the process and hated it.

Turning back to lessons I learned from “The Artist’s Way” I decided, with a healthy sense of humor, to invoke some magic: I found a photo of a man that would represent my next love, I wrote all the qualities I wanted him to have on the back, and I carried it around with me. “Ask and you shall receive!”

It just so happens that this piece of magic was in my pocket when I went out to meet friends for drinks…friends who asked me if I was dating…friends I showed my list to…friends who quickly set me up with a match.

I’m now in a nice and slowly but steadily building relationship with Sean. I’m still very timid and am taking things slow. And I’m very much enjoying and savoring my independence right now…but it sure is nice to have someone to make dinner and go on adventures with!

It’s been over a month since we started seeing each other, and I definitely still get freaked out, but I like this slow climb. And I’m happy that I’ve come this far. Maybe the hard lessons from last Fall were lessons I needed to learn. Maybe I can love more honestly and completely now…certainly more humbly.

Regardless, I’m having a good time and we are helping each other grow as individuals. Plus, we made some cider!

The exceedingly wet spring I described in my last post continued, intensified, and caused flooding and destruction through central Texas. A month later, the rain is letting up but this year continues to feel tropical…more like Costa Rica than Texas.

In the middle of these storms, Austin held its regional Burn event, Flipside. The wet conditions made it unlike any Flipside yet – less art, no art cars, sticky mud covering everything, wind and rain, flooding, and it even got dangerous at the end when the water kept rising until people were forced to abandon their belongings and seek higher ground.

Despite all the hardships, this was my favorite Flipside yet. Every problem brought the community closer together – we struggled together, we helped each other selflessly, and we laughed and smiled our way through it all. I left feeling filled up with gratitude, with a more open and trusting heart, and with friendships made deeper.

So, what is Flipside? Here’s an excerpt from the survival guide:

Burning Flipside is an experiment in collaborative community featuring art and music created by those who attend. Attendees are known as participants (there are no spectators at Flipside; everyone collaborates in some way to create the event). Inspired by the Burning Man festival, it is a place for radical self-expression and an experiment in community building. It is a place of acceptance, inclusivity, and respect. It is organized entirely by volunteers. The art and entertainment is created solely by participants. There are no concession stands. No cash transactions are permitted at Flipside – even bartering is discouraged. This is a sincere experiment in creating a gift economy. If you need something, ask for it. If you have it, gift it.

Our events foster an environment of creative self-expression, where participants feel supported to honestly express their inner selves, through artistic creation, performance, and in their social interactions.

This is the longest and wettest spring I have experienced in Austin. The creeks are overflowing, the grass is tall, and frogs and turtles are out and about. The air is thick with humidity and the scent of flowers.

In my last post I described how, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more confident in my values and have been using them to guide my choices. Through this growth one area has eluded me: my diet.

Funny because this was one of the first ethical choices I made for myself: to become a vegetarian (or, at least, to eat less meat). I grew up going on hunting trips with my father and was very aware that meat came from (often cute) animals…animals like us…creatures that have their own lives and feel pain and die. I never liked the idea of killing something simply so I could eat it.

I never learned to hunt like my father and brothers did. But I did eat the meat that they brought home. And I ate other meat my parents brought home from the store or that I ordered at restaurants.

But somewhere around my sophomore year of high school I decided, along with my best friend, to go vegetarian…ish. I never truly cut out all meat from my diet. And things like shellfish still confuse me. There was a brief period in college, when I was at my most idealistic, that I got pretty strict and even attempted going vegan…but I wasn’t able to sustain it.

Then I moved to Texas.

After some time in this big, meat-filled state my boyfriend and I decided to “try” some of the famous barbecue. And then we wanted to “try” a hamburger. Slowly but surely meat was making a comeback in my diet. I had grown to love cooking and adding meat to the menu was an exciting repertoire-builder. Having a partner in crime was crucial…knowing my boyfriend was onboard made it feel “okay.”

Fast-forward a few years and I’m in a similar predicament: dating a vegetarian, not eating much meat myself, and suddenly we both decide we’re going to “splurge,” to “try:” thus commenced the so-called “food extravaganza,” when we ate our way through the top restaurants in Austin.

It was a fun and delicious time but there was an implied end to the extravagancies that never came. Rather, the extravaganza part petered out while the meat part hung around…and our choices became lazy.

Now that I’m on my own I’ve had to answer my own criticisms…there’s no one to blame for my choices but me…there’s no one to distract me or reassure me…and so, finally, I’ve got to be honest with myself: time to be a vegetarian again!

Well, vegetarian-ish. I’m still going to eat fish occasionally (and maybe shellfish), I’m not opposed to eating meat that is otherwise going to be wasted, and I’m always up for trying something new (like a country’s famous dish while traveling abroad). There are lots of little exceptions but the point is to not be buying meat and thus encouraging the industry.

I’m going to miss the fatty-delicious flavors for sure but nothing tastes as good as it feels to be living honestly and in line with my values.

I just turned thirty and for the first time in years I actually feel like this birthday means something. It seems that a change has been brewing in me for some time and turning thirty has led to a few conversations with other women that have enabled me to see and digest that change.

To sum it up: my values are more defined and are, to a greater extent, shaping the way I live my life.

I’m experienced enough to see how delicate and fleeting life is. And I’ve seen how much people need each other. Being selfish, self-conscious, or vain is a waste of time and energy and, if taken to an extreme, will make you feel isolated.

Love isn’t an emotion – it’s a set of behaviors. People share their love when they stand by you, support you, listen to you. Love is chicken soup when you’re sick. Love is dependable, honest, kind, and loyal. It might tell you things you don’t want to hear (like an uncomfortable truth) but it will never turn its back on you or shut you out. Love is the most precious thing in life.

It’s okay to try and fail. Trust and honor the people who are there to help you start over and prepare yourself to return the favor. Everyone has to start over every now and then.

Life is unfair and unpredictable. Everyone has a story of loss or heartache. Rather than being overwhelmed by an existential crisis, embrace the nature of life and allow it to make you kinder to your fellow man. See beyond yourself and realize that when it feels like the whole world is against you – it’s not – and you always have the power to help yourself and others.

Self-care is crucial. In our busy lives the first thing we tend to neglect is ourself. We do it in small ways that are unnoticeable at first: maybe we’re not eating as healthy as we want, too busy to exercise today, not enough time to read that book you’ve been looking forward to. But neglecting ourselves can become a habit that becomes the norm. It is important to find down time when one can be alone with their thoughts, to examine ourselves, and become aware of goals we are sabotaging.

Balance in life is achieved just as it is on a rope: with wiggles, uncertainty, and constant back-and-forths. The key to balance is to keep looking forward.